Wow, that was like a hot toddy of strong coffee.
Yeah, that's some heavy metal from the 1970s.
I like heavy metal.
And it's by Jet, who actually, no, it's from the 2006s, and that's called Put Your Money Where You... They haven't given us the full title on that piece of paper.
What's it called?
Where You dot dot dot.
Marcia, you know about music.
Where Your Mouth Is.
Oh, I thought it was Put Your Money Where You Go to the Lave.
Which would have just been weird.
That's disgusting.
Yeah.
Or put your money where you keep... You're disgusting.
Am I disgusting?
You're disgusting.
Do I revolt you?
No.
Okay.
Hi, this is Adam and Joe.
Welcome to one hour, 50 minutes of great music, great chat, and great sex here on XFM.
This is our penultimate show.
Right.
We are going to take a break after next week's show for a while because, you know, we've got a lot on.
What have you got on, Joe?
Just jeans and a t-shirt.
Before Jet, you heard, incidentally, The Arctic Monkeys, as if you needed to be told.
David Cameron's favourite band.
Are they really?
Yeah.
Since when?
He's going to be the Prime Minister.
It's been decided already.
Has it?
Yeah.
Well, I'd rather have him than... I like Sir Ming Campbell.
Ming?
I was watching the Liberal Democrat conference.
Ming the Merciful?
I like Ming Campbell.
You know the difference between Ming Campbell and David Cameron and Tony Blair?
Ming Campbell's old.
Yeah.
Like there's a chance he might actually know something.
He's learnt some lessons.
And have had some experience, yeah.
He's stuffed though, isn't he, Ming?
Because he doesn't know who the Arctic Monkeys are.
He's out of the picture.
Isn't it funny how the Arctic Monkeys have just become a touchstone for being in touch with the youth?
Yeah, for old kids.
All you have to do is just say their name.
Yeah.
And that's sort of enough, isn't it?
Well... Is it?
Marsha's looking at me like I'm mad.
Marsha's a professional DJ.
Yeah, she's heard more music.
She doesn't want to abandon the studio.
She's heard more music than Jessie Arctic Monkeys in the last six months.
As you too will, listeners.
Do you know, that wasn't a very good sentence.
Yeah.
Anyway, we've got a competition coming up very shortly and it's a sort of a one-off competition.
Uh-oh.
It's Shane McGowan based.
Good.
So if you think that you can translate
the words of Shane McGowan into English, then stay tuned, because you could win a prize.
If you can speak McGowan.
If you can speak McGowan.
We'll be teaching you how to speak McGowan later on.
We've got copies of Inside Little Britain to give away.
It's a book about Matt Lucas and Dave Williams, written by Matt Lucas and Dave Williams.
And Boyd Hilton.
And Boyd Hilton.
Editor of Heat magazine.
So we might be reading some excerpts from that.
Jacket photos by Sam Taylor Wood.
Wow.
This is like the hippest book.
This is a slice of someone's hip.
Right here.
Right.
It's a big zeitgeist brick.
And we've got loads to give away here on the show.
So stay tuned, great music, right now, from the Raconteurs.
That's the Raconteurs with Broken Boy Soldiers.
It's Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Joe, have you gone out and bought the re-released Star Wars films on DVD?
No, I refuse to.
That's a good question, I refuse to.
Yeah, why?
Because, uh, they're really bad quality, apparently.
No.
Yeah.
First of all, they're very bad quality.
Yeah.
They're not properly letterboxed.
They haven't been properly transferred or restored.
Really?
Yeah, they're just in 2.0.
Old-school stereo.
Yeah.
He hasn't bothered.
Basically, it's his plan to rip off Star Wars fans, sort of as much as he can.
How could Lucas sanction such a thing?
Because he's a big, jabberly-chinned loser.
No, he can't be.
He's still at the beating heart of a genius, surely.
Do you think?
Somewhere deep inside his jabber-like husk.
It's true, isn't it?
But I don't know, he's been taken over by greed.
That's weird, isn't it?
Why would he do that?
How many other things can they possibly release, Star Wars related?
They're gonna release all three films in 3D.
No.
No, all six films in 3D.
Are you joking now?
No, I'm not joking.
That's happening next year.
They're gonna release, like, a 10-disc remastered, like, complete set of all the films.
Yeah.
Because they're still deleted scenes.
Oh, no.
Yeah, there's that scene with Luke and some, you know, I forget his name.
There's a famous deleted scene.
Conrad.
That's right, Conrad.
No, Phil.
I think he's just called Phil.
With Luke and Phil at the gas station talking about Rolos.
Getting the munchies.
Yeah, getting the munchies.
Oh man, I've got to have some Rolos.
I've got to smoke and have a tree.
I've got to bill up.
You've got a what?
It's just street talk, Adam.
You wouldn't understand.
I don't understand what's happening on the street.
It's good street talk, that if you don't understand it, you won't be offended by it.
But if you do, you'll be excited.
That's a deleted scene to look forward to.
Yeah, so basically he's gonna, and this week he released the Star Wars video game, Lego Star Wars video game.
Well at least that is like a worthwhile spin on the whole thing.
Apparently so, it's supposed to be pretty good.
Yeah.
But honestly, George, if you're listening, because I know he likes the show, what are you playing at, you ludicrous ponce?
How wooed.
How wooed.
How wooed.
Well, now you've cheered me up.
With a Jar Jar impression.
Because I love Jar Jar.
Competition time very shortly.
Music competition.
Music competition.
Me like a competition.
Can you speak of Shane McGowan?
That's not so good, is it?
Shane McGowan could be a Star Wars character, though.
He could be.
beginning of a Yoda noise.
Where's the pub?
Where's the pub?
You didn't say it backwards.
Pub where is there?
There you go.
Bang.
Shortly, it's competition time.
If you believe that you can speak McGowan, if you can translate the words of the genius Irish boozer and poet and singer.
But what about giving the telephone number in advance?
Oh, you reckon?
Yeah, 0871-222-1049.
That's 0871-2210-49.
But first, here's the first of our three plays.
This is Devo with Gut Feeling.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
That's Devo with Gut Feeling, Stroke, Slap Me Mammy.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM, and it's... Competition time!
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show.
You just never know.
So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play.
Now this is a kind of one-off competition this week, because I was watching BBC Four last weekend and they had a brilliant series of programmes about the record label Stiff, you know, who are of course responsible for putting out all Madness' records.
Yeah, the show was called If It Ain't Stiff.
It Ain't Worth a F Star Star K.
was the full title.
And it was a good show, and then they had a brilliant roundup of Stiff acts playing top of the pops, people like Ian Dury and Kirstie McCall and Madness and of course the Pogues.
And they had an interview with Shane McGowan as part of the documentary, where Shane was talking about how the title of the album Rum, Sodomy and the Lash came about, which was their most successful album, I suppose, on Stiff.
And, uh, he, you know, he as usual was being interviewed in a pub and he seemed pretty chipper, like sometimes Shane McGowan is interviewed on things and he's barely alive, you know.
Yeah, there was a documentary on him, was it about ten years ago now?
Yeah.
Where he looked as if he might be so ill he might pop his clogs.
That's right.
But he seems to have sort of recovered.
He seems a lot... He's got a lot better, I think.
Yeah, I think maybe he's switched to...
Maybe.
Lemon hooch.
Maybe.
Or something a bit more peppy.
What did you say?
I don't know.
Switch to... Anyway, it occurred to me like, it was almost impossible to understand what Shane was saying in this little bit of interview that I'm going to play you in a second.
But he wasn't subtitled.
Do you know what I mean?
And it seems like, well, obviously, why would he be subtitled?
He's Shane McGowan, he's still... He's speaking English.
Yeah.
In England.
His brain is absolutely fine.
What he's saying is perfectly fine.
It's just the actual way that he's saying it is very hard to understand.
And you know, like, for example, when they have someone who's got a proper speech impediment or is disabled in some way, you know, in a way that affects their speech, in however mild a way, they subtitle them sometimes, do you know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
Even if you can perfectly well understand what the person is saying, they just think, oh, well, we better subtitle them, you know, because they're slurring or whatever.
But... Yeah, booze doesn't count.
No, booze doesn't count.
You get away without subtitles.
Because, you know, if you start subtitling boozers, everyone's going to feel a bit paranoid when they go out on a Friday night and they suddenly need subtitles.
It's true.
Anyway, that's by the by.
Listeners, what I want you to do is translate this snatch of McGowan for me, OK?
Now, it's quite long.
So do people have to write it down, transcribe it?
I would think so, yeah.
I'll play it a couple of times throughout the show.
How long is it, 10 minutes?
It's about 15 or 20 minutes.
Okay, so this is going to last 40 minutes.
It'll last 40 minutes.
And people have to transcribe for 40 minutes.
Every word of what Shane says.
This is a good competition for stenographers.
Is that the right word?
Stenographers, yeah, from Coors, who bash away at little... Who manage to type on a typewriter with three keys.
Yeah, everything they need to know.
I don't know how that works.
I don't understand either.
No idea.
It's a total mystery.
If there's any stenographers listening, just give us a call and explain what the heck you think you're doing.
No, but just the basic gist and some key little parts of this is all I really need.
Like, just ring me up and talk me through what Shane is saying.
The thrust.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what, here's how we'll do it.
Right.
If you think you can translate it, we'll get you on the line and then we'll play the clip and you can translate as Shane is speaking, alright?
That's how we'll do it.
But this is the clip I want you to translate.
Here's Shane McGowan.
from the group, sort of the title, yeah?
Which is quite from Churchill, yeah?
All the Navy do is run, stutter, read and lash, yeah?
You know, pretty typical Winston Churchill sort of thinking, you know what I mean?
But just take it out of context, run, stutter, read and lash, it just sounded great anyway, you know what I mean?
And then be able to touch the press saying, why'd you call it run, stutter, read and lash?
And you go,
Well, that's insane to watch the Winston Churchill, isn't it?
About the British Navy.
Apart from the fact that that's the best... What's that noise?
That's the best laugh ever.
That's a laugh?
I thought he was having liposuction or something.
Live.
Well, of course, you know what it reminds you of?
Right, do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, Mutley.
There you go, that's what it's like.
Is that real Mutley, or have you just put McGowan in there?
No, that's McGowan.
That's McGowan giggling.
That's extraordinary.
So, you know, that is quite... quite... I mean, we're wearing headphones in this studio, so that was actually... I found that quite easy to understand.
Did you understand all of what he was saying?
I'm just saying that because I think people are gonna need to get it maybe verbatim.
Right.
For it to be a genuine challenge.
Having said that, if you're in your car or you're in your house and there's background noise, it might have been a bit harder.
Well, if you think you can translate that, I'll play it one more time in just a second.
If you think you can translate that, then get on the phone and I'll play it again and you can translate as you're going along.
I mean, it is, it's easy to understand most of it, right?
There's a couple of little bits there that I had to play about six times before I could understand what he was on about.
Here he is once again.
Andy from the group, so it was a title, yeah?
Which is a quote from Churchill, yeah?
All the Navy leaders run sort of in a lash, yeah?
You know, pretty typical Winston Churchill sort of thinking, you know what I mean?
But just take it out of context, Rumsfeld and the Union of Action just sounded great anyway, you know what I mean?
And then be able to touch the press saying, why did you call it Rumsfeld and the Union of Action?
You go, well, that's insane, what's the Winston Churchill here?
About a British name?
There you go.
Alright then, get calling now, the number is 0871 222 1049.
We'll be back after these ads and some music.
Oh, no, no, sorry.
That is old news.
You're quite right.
That's their first album.
We're in the midst of a competition listeners.
It's a kind of one-off competition.
No, no, no.
It was their self-titled second album, man.
You know, sorry, we've made a mess of it.
Let's not try and recover it.
We don't even, to be honest with you, we don't know who Razorlight are.
Oh, no.
Razor what?
Arctic monkeys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know all about that.
MySpace.
They had a thing on MySpace.
Did they?
They went to number one.
It was the internet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, listen, we've got Jack on the line.
Hi, Jack.
How are you doing?
I'm great.
How are you?
Yeah, good.
Hi, Jack.
I just like saying hi, Jack.
Sorry about that, Jack.
Jack, you sound very close.
Do you live in central London?
Not in central.
In east London.
Oh, that's nice.
This is just a nice phone line.
Are you talking on a gold phone?
Uh, it's a bit silver.
Ooh, a silver phone.
Are you a robot plugged directly into the mains?
Uh, yes.
Biddy biddy biddy.
That's a good response.
What robot?
Was that, uh, Buck Rogers' robot?
That was Tweaky.
That was Tweaky?
Yeah, yeah.
Is that the noise that Tweaky makes?
Yeah.
Biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy.
Uh, Buck.
He was a dreadful little robot.
I loved him.
No, you didn't.
I still watch it.
Why do you like Tweaky?
I don't know.
I was just young.
I liked him.
He was great.
I liked that woman as well.
I loved her.
She's sexy.
Erin Grey.
She's extraordinary.
They should bring back those, um, those skintight biker suits.
They should bring back those women.
What?
Jack, sorry about that.
So listen, you think you can understand what Shane is saying, do you?
Roughly.
Yeah, I mean, it's pretty easy.
Of course, he's not completely unintelligible.
What are we going to do?
Play through it and stop and start?
Well, let's have a go.
See if you can translate as you go along.
OK.
OK, you ready for this, Jack?
Yes.
OK, here we go.
Andy from the current... And people ask me from the group where I got the title of the album.
Which is round about... Oh, I got it.
What's he saying there?
I don't know.
People ask me where I got the name of the title of the album.
Jack a little shaky at this point.
Yeah, a little shaky.
A couple of mistakes there.
He's got it right.
OK, let's see how you do with this section.
Correct.
You know, pretty typical Winston Churchill sort of thing for you.
Pretty typical of Winston Churchill, yeah?
Yeah, that's good.
Typical Churchill.
But just take out Coenfest, Rum, Sodom and Lash, you just don't agree.
Anyway, look out the thing there, which is the title, which is Rum, Sodom and Lash, which is pretty typical or something.
Just skidding around.
Doesn't he say take out the something?
Mate, yeah, take out...
Take out the Rum, Sodom and Lash.
Jack, what are you... Jack, Jack, Jack.
It all started really well with you, Jack, and now it's just a nightmare.
...and then be able to touch the press saying, why do you call it Rum, Sodom and Lash?
And you go, well, that's insane.
Why should Winston Church do it?
Why do you call it Rum, Sodom and Lash?
That's pretty insane.
And then I said, oh, it's come from Winston Churchill.
You know, I think he's just finished his Coca-Cola.
You reckon?
And yeah, he's just sucking the last bit out of the glass with a straw.
That's what's happening there.
So you think this is the sound of Shane drinking the dregs of his coke?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's just got an incredibly powerful suction capabilities.
Listen, Jack, you got the gist of it, of course.
Yeah.
But, but... I don't think it's good enough.
It's not quite good enough.
No disrespect, Jack, but the bits, you got the easy bits.
The thing is... But the difficult bits are like the extra words.
You proved, you proved my point that it's not possible to understand the whole of what Shane is saying.
Yeah, I wrote it all down, and I thought I had it, and then I realised that I just wasn't even close.
Listen, man, we appreciate your call anyway, and you did very well.
Would you like a copy of the Little Britain book?
Yeah.
Yeah, why not?
Apparently, it's the greatest comedy series of the 21st century.
Little Britain.
They've been into the future, and they've discovered that there's going to be nothing better for 96 years.
I don't believe them.
You guys always go on about the Mighty Boosh.
Yeah.
I'd love it if you could send me a copy of that.
Are you for real?
It's just picking your prizes.
We're not like a branch of Woolies.
Can I have one of those?
And also, can I have one of them Frisbees?
I'm a big fan of cars.
Could you send me an Audi TT like they're used in that video?
Also, could I please have £25?
Um, unfortunately, we don't have any Mighty Boosh, much as we'd love to only give away Mighty Boosh merchandise, because they are fantastic, we don't have any, but man, Little Britain's not a bad substitute.
This book's an incredible artefact.
In about 20 years, it's gonna be hilarious.
Yeah.
I'll sell it on eBay, don't worry.
OK, listen, Jack, we'll send that to you and we'll get someone else on the line before midday to see if they can completely translate what Shane McGowan is saying.
But before that, here's some adverts and some more music.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
That's The Muse with Starlight.
This is Adam and Jo here on XFM.
Now we have Ben on the line, who believes that he can translate the words of Shane McGowan.
He's got a special advantage though, hasn't he, Ben?
Yeah, because I think he produced the programme.
Did you not, Ben?
Er, that's right, yeah, I did.
Did you produce it or direct it?
Because in your text... I did both.
You did both?
Yeah.
Produced and directed by Ben.
What's your surname, Ben?
It's Worley.
Ben Worley.
And Ben, so are you a massive fan of the Pogues?
I love Ben.
He's a living legend and contrary to... A barely living legend.
Yeah, he's still alive.
Contrary to popular belief, what?
He's still alive.
Yes.
And did you know him before you made this documentary, or was making the documentary your introduction to him?
I'd met him a couple of times in a boozer in North London before.
What, just like as a punter, like coincidentally, you'd gone up to him?
Well, there was, yeah, yeah, yeah, basically.
You're not involved with Stiff or anything?
No, no, no vested interest.
But he seemed, I mean, you know, what he was actually saying was completely fine.
He's totally compus mentis, isn't he?
He is.
He's a really, really... Well, I think he's a genius, basically.
He was reading a book on Sanskrit on the day, as you'd expect.
He went to the same school as us.
That's right.
Quite a posh school.
He was booted out.
He was thrown out, though.
He was a contemporary of Thomas Dolby.
at this school and Thomas Dolby and Shane McGowan used to hang around for a while until their musical proclivities diverged and McGowan went off to chew people's ears off in the hundred club and Thomas Dolby went to become the king of synth-pop.
But Ben, did you, in terms of understanding McGowanese, did you find it difficult at first and then, you know, gradually gain an understanding of the nuances of his speech?
Well, I think that bit of an interview you've played, I must have listened to it a thousand times before it kind of hit me what the general gist of it actually was.
Okay, so listen, translate as we go along.
I'll play little chunks and you can tell us exactly what he's saying.
Here we go.
Andy from the group, sort of the title, yeah?
Andy from the group, sort of the title?
Yeah.
Ah, correct.
Which is a quote from Churchill, yeah?
All the Navy leaders run for the rear, blah.
Which is a quote from Churchill, all the Navy needs is rum, sodomy and the lash.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
You know, pretty typical Winston Churchill sort of thinking, you know what I mean?
Pretty typical Winston Churchill thinking.
But just take it out of context, rum, sodomy and the lash.
This is the tricky bit.
But take it out of context, rhomsodomy and the lash.
I think I'll have to hear it again.
Take it out of context, that's the key bit.
I had to listen to that.
I was like, is he swearing or what's he saying there?
And then be able to touch the press saying, why do you call it rhomsodomy and the lash?
And you go, well that's a saying by Sir Winston Churchill, isn't it?
Something about the press, and then... Why do you call it Rum, Sodomy and the Lash?
Well, it's a saying by Winston Churchill.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
About the British Navy.
About the British Navy, exactly.
Why do you call it the press?
Being able to tell the press... He's talking about how nice it was to be able to tell the press.
Why do you call it rum, sodomy and the lash, say the press?
Well, that's a saying by Sir Winston Churchill about the British Navy, said Shane.
So there you go.
Hey, listen, Ben, thank you very much for calling in.
One last question, Ben.
Was there any kind of subtitle debate?
And there was really, but you know, we felt we'd be doing Shane down a bit, really.
He deserves to be in audio only.
Yeah, you know what?
People should learn McGowan.
People should meet, yeah, come to him rather than him come to us.
But listen, Ben, congratulations on the show.
I thought it was fantastic.
And I'm sure it'll be repeated again on BBC Four, won't it?
Yeah, it's out Friday in one 90-minute slot, Friday the 29th.
Friday the 29th of this month.
Yeah.
Fantastic.
I bet it'll come to Terrestrial as well, they'll probably show it there too.
Yeah, and on BBC too.
It was really good, beautifully made, and really reminded me what an amazing label Stiff Words is.
Yeah.
So many fantastic hits and of course Madness, you know that stuff.
All it lacked was a voiceover by us.
For a lot of money.
It did really, I thought it needed... I mean we're expensive, but we are good.
Exactly.
We're very expensive.
You priced yourselves out, you priced yourselves out.
I caught your age and I came back with my fingers burned.
Ben, thanks a lot for calling in.
No worries.
Take care, have a good weekend.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM and here is Shane McGowan with The Post.
This is Sally McLennan.
There we go, that was the Bedouin Sound Clash with When the Night Feels My... Song, song, song.
See what happens is we get these little sheets that tell us what music we're playing from XFM, but sometimes the titles get cut off, you know, because there's not enough room on the piece of paper.
So you have to guess the end.
then it's written in smaller letters underneath.
That's an interesting little insight into what it's like DJing at XFM for you.
This is Adam and Joe here and before Bedouin Soundclash you heard of course the Guillemots.
Some people say Gilles Meaux
Guilhemot, I say Guilhemot just to avoid... I say Guilhemot, yes.
Guilhemot.
Guilhemot.
Guilhemot.
And that's trains to Brazil.
Guilhemot.
Guilhemot, yeah.
It says underneath, pronounced Guil-eh-mot.
So there you go, that's the end of it.
Alright?
Now we were just chatting, just chatting, just having a little bit of a chat, just talking, what is that big problem?
about people watching TV, like at home, you know, with their girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, partners, whatever you want, and just some of the things that become irritating to you when you're, like, watching TV.
Yeah, we're talking about TV tyranny, listeners, uh, in the nicest possible way.
Do you cohabit with someone?
And if you do cohabit with somebody, do they kind of apply a tyranny to your TV schedule?
I'm talking about a gentle tyranny, because this happens with my beautiful, lovely girlfriend, who's the most beautiful person in the world.
I can vouch for that.
But she's so, uh, emotionally lovely and sensitive
that, and it's not like she bosses me about what we watch on the telly, but she just whimpers and kind of sighs and leaves if I'm watching any of the following.
Anything exploitative, anything to do with an audition process where you're laughing at someone.
So basically every programme on television.
She sighs and leaves the room if I'm watching anything to do with horror.
or death or killing or frighteningness or suspense, which is all films I like.
She sighs and looks sad if it's anything to do with war or suffering or starvation or political conflict, anything like that.
Really, even if it's like a documentary or something?
yeah well that's maybe not necessarily true but but you know she's very uh... sensitive and and knowledgeable about what's happening in the world so uh... and you know i'm just a cynical old idiot sitting on my sofa like inured to everything uh... you know i don't really care if it does, i'm a nimby a nimby?
what's that?
not in my backyard?
do you know what i mean?
i can have a distance from whatever's happening in the world but she's more informed and uh...
cares more.
But the upshot of this wonderfulness is that there's very little we can watch on telly.
Can you hear the sound of a man frantically tiptoeing around impending argument?
But it's true, I'm being honest.
Damnation.
Because she's so, and this is, it's quite an important point to make, Adam.
Yes.
That this is not the tyranny of kind of anger and suppression.
Not the tyranny of evil men, as Sam Jackson might quote.
No, it's the tyranny of, of just, you know, it's a gentle tyranny.
Yeah.
A sweet tyranny.
A good tyranny.
So we want to know whether... A sexy tyranny.
A sexy tyranny.
We want to know whether your partner or cohabitatee applies a similar tyranny to you.
I'm not allowed, in my house, I'm not allowed to watch things like funny cartoons that appeal to adults as well as children.
Do you know what I mean?
What, you mean like the Simpsons and Family Guy?
Simpsons, Family Guy, anything with like a kind of weird, self-referential, post-modern, cynical flourish going on.
Why not?
I think because it's not, because it's in danger of engaging the brain in some way.
What?
Do you know what I mean?
And in our house, TV is used purely as a relaxative.
Right.
Okay, can I call it that?
Yeah.
And it's like, as soon as the, I mean it does change when you have children, when the children are in bed you feel like,
you're into the reward section of the day, you know?
And you don't really want to have your brain engaged in any meaningful way by the telly box.
I can't believe I said telly box.
By the television.
And it's nicer just to have things that wash over you.
So we watch a lot of stuff like, you know, 24 and Lost and all that kind of enjoyable garbage.
But stuff like, if you wanna watch any kind of cutting edge comedy, yeah?
That's not on, I have to go into my Nuffie box.
I tell you the problem, there's too much telly, there's too much choice in there.
I think this is a contemporary phenomenon.
Now there's so many channels, you really can watch exactly what you want.
And I don't think, there's probably very few couples who like the same things.
Because my girlfriend just watches golf.
And gardening programs all the time.
That's tough, man.
All the time.
Jeez, Louise, if my wife suddenly started getting into snooker or something... Ah, it's a nightmare.
I'd have to... Luckily, I've got my own nutty room and I can go off and watch what I want.
Yeah, but this is my 32-inch plasma.
With surround sound.
This is starting to sound like one of those programs, like Grumpy Old Man or something.
The Man Show.
The Man Show.
Yeah, just a stupid, gender-biased show.
Anyway, if you've got any similar conflicts or any ideas of how to cure them,
text us in 8 3 xfm I might write a book about it I might call it women are from Venus men are from Mars that's that's good hmm that's a really good idea yeah no that's very yeah I start now do it do it do it here's a free play for you right now this is Delicata with a track called the rock
Delicota with The Rock.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
It's advert time now.
Joe, I'm going to tease a couple of the ads for you.
That's exciting.
What have we got here?
Because I've got quite a lot of disposable income this week.
Yeah.
Foster's.
Foster's, great.
It's important to keep Foster's cool.
You keep it cool in the shade of a woman's breasts.
If you're a tarantula, you might even wear mittens.
Because the beer is so cold.
I think that's what's going on on bus stops around the country this weekend shopping Shopping original it says shopping original.
That's just a a campaign designed by all the shops have got together They want people to buy more original things.
They're fed up of you know, swiping the same products through the barcode reader.
I
Yeah, so like... Come on, shoppers, be more original.
Be more original.
Why don't you buy a hedgehog in a tiny bus?
What's wrong with that?
Why don't you buy that?
Why don't you buy, like, a brick that you can eat made of... brick?
Yeah, because no one sells them.
Well, that would be original.
Yeah, what other ads?
It just says stick revised.
Yeah, they've revised the stick.
Are they selling sticks?
Yeah, they've withdrawn all sticks.
Have you not noticed there've been no sticks around this week?
They've got new sticks.
Yeah, they've revised them.
They've got mp3 players in them now.
Yeah.
I didn't even realise.
All sticks, all twigs can now store up to a thousand songs.
No.
Yeah, and have a battery life of four hours.
My stick is just made of wood and bark on the outside still.
Yeah, well.
That's disastrous.
And then at the end it says, drummer live.
Yeah, that's the drummer.
He's going to be playing live this week.
And you can buy him.
Drummy the drummer is playing live at the Hammersmith Apollo.
That's exciting.
So listen out for all that and these adverts, ladies and gentlemen.
That's the Foo Fighters with DOA, this is Adam and Joe here on XFM on what I consider to be one of the most beautiful afternoons I can remember, Joe, weather-wise.
It is beautiful, it's been lovely, hasn't it?
It's my favourite car, it's crisp.
Yeah, and don't anybody worry about global warming, listeners, because on a day like these days, in this modern day, as soon as the sun comes out, people start bleating about global warming.
And when I say- I sound like Nick Ferrari when I use the word bleating.
Yeah.
Like bleeding hot liberals.
Right.
Obviously global warming's real, but my mum says that it's always sunny in September.
And she said when she was a girl they always used to take their holidays in September because it was always so nice.
It is nice.
I remember when I was at university, well one term when I went to university, I went to university and it was really nice and sunny.
And you sort of think, oh yeah, the summer's not over.
This is bonus summer.
It's good, isn't it?
Yeah, it's going to be a great day.
I think everybody in the country is going to have a wicked day.
That's pretty bold, man.
Oh, I think it's true.
It's gonna be wicked.
It is gonna be wicked.
Yeah, but in either sense of the word, it might be just evil.
Evil.
Yeah.
Speaking of evil, yesterday, I fell for a scam from a beggar.
Right.
Now, you know, like, I don't know about your attitude to beggars, there was a funny scene in... Hang on, a beggar might not be the right word.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, beggars, people who beg for money, simple as that.
Right.
What other, is there a more PC word of saying beggar?
What's the more PC word, Xanthi?
No, it's nothing to do with being homeless.
It's someone who begs for money.
That's a different thing.
I'm not talking about all homeless people.
What about housily disadvantaged?
No, it's nothing to do with them being housily disadvantaged.
I'm not talking about people who are homeless.
What about monetarily?
Not all homeless people beg.
No, I can't think of the next bit.
Monetarily... Disadvantaged.
Subchanged.
Subchanged, that's nice.
Um, yeah.
Anyway, uh, I just fall, um, basically if someone asks me for money on the street, I'll generally give it to them.
What was his line?
What did he, what did he, what did he get you with?
It was a lady, and this was like round the corner from my house.
Um, and I was listening to my, uh, MP3 player.
with headphones, and this lady pulled up on a bike, right, totally normal, nice-looking young woman, and sort of was flagging me down, trying to get my attention, take my headphones out, she's like, oh yeah, sorry, sorry about that, I was just wondering, I'm wondering if you can help me out, I've been so daft, I've just moved into the flats over the way there,
Um, number 53, do you know those flats over there?
I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, um, anyway, listen, I've locked myself out, I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come back, but I need to feed the meter out there, and I just need a pound.
And I haven't got any change on me or anything, and I just feel so stupid asking.
And she went through this whole thing, right?
Totally credible thing.
And I didn't really listen to the logistics of what she was saying, like, I didn't add it up in my mind.
You've locked yourself out, but your boyfriend's coming back, you need to what?
I just sort of said, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, and I reached in my pocket and I had like a 50p, couple of 20s and a 10.
I said, sorry, that's not a quid, but is that going to do the job?
She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, great, great, thanks a lot.
Oh, and my name's Emily, by the way.
What's your name?
I said, oh, I'm Adam.
She's like, yeah, whereabouts do you live, Adam?
I was like, yeah, just over there, number, yeah, over there, yellow door.
And she's like, oh, right, great.
Okay, listen, well, thank you so much, Adam.
I'll drop this round
about seven.
Are you going to be in?
Great, I'll drop it round then.
Thank you.
Sorry to ask."
Off she goes.
Of course I never hear from her again, you know.
I just thought, what a jerk.
But it was the best one because I get those scams round there quite a lot.
Last time I gave someone a fine... Steve Stockwell.
Both Adam and I live in the Stockwell area.
They do that a lot in Stockwell.
That can't be peculiar to Stockwell.
What about fundraising ones?
Have you had one of those?
Yeah, but I checked the guy out and his credentials checked out.
Did you?
Because there's a guy who came round to get me desperate.
Hello!
I'm just doing a fun run.
The kids are doing a fun run.
The kids are having a fun run.
I'm taking money for the fun run.
Like that.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the school round the corner.
St.
Peter's.
I have a fun run.
And I was like, oh.
You can't not give money to the kids.
And then you look closely and his hand was trembling.
And he couldn't look you in the eye.
Incredibly quick, yeah.
And he had I want crack written in huge letters on his face.
That's usually a good boy.
Yeah.
It's the details that give it away, isn't it?
Yeah.
Well, this other... I mean, there's a guy, I think he's... I'm pretty sure he's legitimate.
He's got, like, a little card, and I wrote down a number that he said, and I rang up the place, and it was just a recorded message, but it was a voice that wasn't him saying, hello, you've come through to the local community, this... No.
Yeah.
So was that part of the scam?
Well, I don't think... He'd set up a, like, an answering machine.
If you start thinking like that, then you're in, like, the game, you know, that David Fincher film.
Yeah, but imagine the money you'd make.
I suppose so, yeah.
We make more money than we make from this show, that's not very difficult.
This is the thing, if beggars show a bit of initiative, like they don't need to show very much, all you need to do is go one step above just sitting on the street and writing something on a bit of cardboard.
Yeah, but you're paying her for the effort she put into the story.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, that was, you gave that woman a quid.
That was worth a quid.
That's like a novella or an article, isn't it?
Yeah.
But it was a shame though because I thought she seems like a nice person and then she stabs me right in the face and doesn't give me the money.
What's that?
She stabbed you in the face.
Yeah, metaphorically.
Can we play my free play?
Yeah, go on then.
Yeah, this is, we played a track by this group last week, listeners.
They're called North of Ping Pong.
They're my new favourite band, and this is another one off their EP.
What's this one called, Xanthi?
My Reeboks.
Yeah, I've censored it a little bit.
It was a little bit rude.
But this is very good.
Listen to this.
There you go.
That's north of Ping Pong.
Yeah, I think you can get that, uh, their EP at places like Rough Trade.
It's quite hard to get hold of.
But it's around, it's rare, which means it's very cool, and... yeah, they're brilliant.
They've got a good website as well, you can check that out, and that's got all their stuff on it, in detail.
They're playing tonight, in fact, aren't they?
in kingsland road somewhere check out the website details are on there incidentally speaking of gigs and stuff i'm doing a gig next friday night friday the 29th of september which is uh coincidentally when that excellent stiff documentary is being repeated on bbc4 so tape the documentary and come out and see me at madam jojo's i'll be doing a bit of character comedy joe
Isn't that a drag club?
Are you gonna be dressing as a lady?
It might be a complicated way of getting me to go and dress as a lady, I don't know.
But I think it's a comedy night, and I'm gonna do a couple of short little bits there.
It's not a drag club at all.
It's a proper club, it does all kinds of different nights.
Exactly.
£10 entry, but if you mention this XFM show, or indeed my blog, you pay twice the amount.
You pay five times the amount.
Really?
And you get a smack.
Thanks.
I told you to grow up.
You'll get in for less, for about seven quid, I think.
Anyway, so that's Friday 29th of September, next Friday at Madame Jojo's.
Come along, it'll be a fun night.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
That's The Kooks with Oolah.
And that's a radio edit of Oolah.
Yeah, thanks for your response, listeners, to our sort of rather badly thought-out text competition.
I thought we were even gonna ignore it.
We were just gonna move on and pretend it never happened.
Well, I was about to say that.
We're running out of time and it wasn't very good and it's just ended up with me insulting my girlfriend slightly on the radio, so, you know, we're just gonna move on, I think.
Yeah.
Move on, pretend it never happened.
Yeah.
We'll do a good one next week.
Don't dwell on it.
Yeah.
Yeah, next week.
Yeah, that's gonna be our last show next week.
Yeah, our last show before our Christmas break.
Christmas break?
Yeah, Christmas has started already, don't you know?
October is when Christmas generally starts though, isn't it?
Yeah, no, now it's started.
not in September.
Yeah, in fact, next week I'm gonna play some Christmas records.
That's a good idea, let's have a Christmas special next week.
We're gonna have a Christmas, we're just gonna get Christmas over early.
Yeah.
And then we just go on holiday over Christmas.
Hey, you know what we should do, though, is we should do a, uh, like a Chris- on our Christmas Eve special.
Cos we always do Christmas Eve.
Oh, what, for XFM?
Yeah.
Yeah, if they'll have us.
That would be nice, I think.
They might not have us.
From our shack in Leicester Square.
That's where we do the Christmas Eve show.
Uh, that'll be nice.
And then, um...
What are you doing?
Adam's just staring at a CD.
I was just testing you to see what you would do if I stopped speaking.
Well, I've got somebody we can talk about.
But I was being polite.
Okay.
Now, on Thursday night, me and Adam were down at the NFT.
We hosted a night for the COI.
The... what does COI stand for?
Central Office of Information.
There you go.
And, uh, they're the people responsible for, uh, since 1946 showing, uh, making public information films, like the Green Cross Codeman films, Charlie Says, uh, all the Think Before You Drink Before You Drive, all those kind of, um, yeah, kind of, uh, slightly propagandary, but also, you know, helping, uh, civilians of Britain stay alive.
And there were lots of special guests down there.
Dave Prowse turned up.
He played Darth Vader and also the Green Cross Codeman.
Incredible guy.
Uh, Jimmy Savile turned up?
Sir Jimmel.
Sir Jimmel turned up.
in his full golden track-suited regalia.
Now then, now then, now then.
With all his Mr. T stuff on.
So I was genuinely excited about meeting Sir Jimmel.
Yeah.
Weren't you, Adam?
Oh, no, absolutely.
A little bit intimidated because I'd seen him on, like, the definitive Sir Jimmel artifact of recent years.
Yeah, Louis Theroux's documentary.
You know, I'd seen him on there and he's quite a... A tough customer.
...scary character in a way, yeah.
Scary, do you think?
A little bit, yeah.
He just knows his own mind.
Right.
Yeah, you think he might be cuddly.
There was nothing that scary about him.
The only thing that emerged from that documentary was that when people tried to sell drugs in one of Sir Jimmel's nightclubs, Sir Jimmel might pop them down the basement and knock them about a bit.
I don't know if he knocked them about, but he chained them to the pipes or something.
Verbally.
Verbally.
Yeah.
Tied them up verbally.
What he actually said in the documentary was,
He tied them up, but then he later in an interview said he meant verbally.
He tied them up with riddles and words.
He confused them.
Yeah, I believe that.
Anyway, he was very nice, but when I first saw him, I went, there was like a green room.
And there he was, Sir Jimmel, lounging in a chair with a cigar.
And so I thought I've got to go and talk to him.
So I went over and talked to him and said, uh, and said, hello, my name's Joe.
I'm one of the people hosting the session.
And he just looked at me and went,
Uh, how does Jimmel talk to your Jimmel impression?
Well, uh, he told me what he said.
He said, I'm Robert De Niro, the famous Hollywood actor.
I said, alright, Jimmel, uh, are you?
Oh, that's interesting.
And he basically just started coming at me with crazy tangential jokes.
Yeah.
I said, are you coming through to the auditorium?
He said, only if I'm told.
do you say to that oh yes i need four white stallions and a beautiful lady to tell me now then now then oh dear it was very odd so i was a bit worried i thought he'd gone fruit loopy yeah we were saying just before the thing started maybe we shouldn't talk to sir jimel maybe jimel's gone because it's just gonna go because let's face it he dresses like a lunatic
He's a lovable lunatic.
He is.
He's an eccentric.
Yeah.
But sometimes when you're eccentric and you get into your senior years, the eccentricity can take over.
You know, the normality can vanish.
But you know, at the end of the day, when we talked to him during the session, he was amazingly lucid and he told a brilliant anecdote.
He was a hundred percent professional.
And he was fantastic.
And it also made me think, where are the people, where have the people like Jimmy gone?
I mean, obviously Jimmel's there, but where are the Jimmels of the future?
Jimmy Carr.
Where are those classic, do you think?
Jimmy Carr.
But like, Jimmy, he's a fundraiser.
He's a, he's a sportsman.
Yeah.
He's a DJ.
Like Jimmy Carr.
He kind of, he's so just talented.
His talent is being amazingly altruistic.
Like Jimmy Carr.
Do you know what I mean?
Like Jimmy Carr.
Do you think?
And Justin Lee Collins.
Dave Prowse was there.
Dave Prowse, an amazing sportsman.
Yeah.
Where are the people who are like, they're like superheroes, those 70s people.
David Walliams.
Well, we were discussing this afterwards, I said this to Adam and he came with the comeback, David Walliams.
He is, he's like a man, an all-rounder for the noughties.
Because he's become a sporting hero.
He's a sporting hero, he's got a generous spirit, he's a character.
Like Roy Castle was another one.
Yeah.
Someone with amazing sporting prowess and also a terrific entertainer.
Yeah.
Walliams is a terrific entertainer, he's good for tabloid fodder, he's got a colourful private life.
But Walliams has got too- he's too talented a comedian.
I think you've got to just be a presenter.
Uh-huh.
And a sportsman.
More of a Jonathan Ross type person.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
See, Jonathan needs to do more sport.
He does a lot of tennis.
He plays tennis with Ricky Gervais, doesn't he?
Yeah.
But do you know what I mean?
Where are those amazing 70s heroes now?
What's happened to all the heroes?
Which other ones are you thinking of?
Just the two of them.
Dave Prowse and Jimmel.
And maybe Roy Castle.
Well, unfortunately Roy Castle's dead.
I tell you who, Ian Wright.
Ian, right, right, right.
Yeah.
He's the Jimmy Savile of the future.
Right?
I still think it's Walliams, personally.
Now, listeners, if you're a fan of the podcast, I should say as well, sorry, but again, we missed our
Friday night slot, but who's counting, okay?
They're coming out around about once a week, and the next podcast will be out on Monday morning, or Monday afternoon, okay?
So apologies for being late on that one.
Don't forget, if you want to come along to this gig on the 29th of September, that's next Friday night, that's at Madam Jojo's, you can check out my blog for details, adam-buxton.co.uk, it's all up there.
But that's it for us this week.
Thank you very much indeed for listening, for calling in if you did and stuff like that.
Yeah, next week's our final show before our Christmas break, so we'll try and make it a bit special.
And we may even be previewing our finished version of Robbie Williams' Rudebox.
Yeah, we're gonna go back into the studio and really, although I just read in the paper that Robbie Williams is suffering from depression.
It's not our fault, man.
Is it not?
No, no, no.
Because we're not being horrible, it's just like a tribute to Rudebox.
It's an homage.
Did it chart?
Has Rudebox charted?
It's riding high in the charts.
Is it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, there you go.
It's done very well.
But, you know, I don't think Robbie is aware of our existence, but I'd hate to think that we'd contributed.
No, no, we cheer him up.
OK, good.
Now, here's one final free play for you folks this afternoon.
This is Chris Montez with a track called The More I See You.
Thanks a lot for listening, we'll see you next week.
Bye, love you, bye!